Hanging On Every Word

KICKING OFF THE FALL ELECTION CAMPAIGNING SEASON!

Marquette, MI – Labor Day has traditionally kicked off the fall campaigning season for political candidates so in this spirit we hope you enjoy this account of some other political traditions…

When politicians give speeches, it is often more important to predetermine where, and to whom the speech be given, than what the candidate or official actually says.  We have grown so accustomed to being lied to that we no longer have to listen for a long time before we realize they have nothing to say.  The election of 2014 promises to be no different as the one percent spend untold fortunes to coax 48 more percent into voting for the candidates of the rich, their self-interests be damned.  I don’t get it, but that’s the reality of American politics.    

Politician swearing an oath with fingers crossed behind back. (photo by Minerva Studio)

The last presidential election delivered more of the ugliest politicking in memory.  The smarmy political campaigns whereby the candidates get to stand up for whatever the voters will fall for are enough to nauseate a gnat.  The most disgusting part of it all is a mutual disrespect for the truth by everyone involved.  But if you think today’s flip-flop allegations or distorted accusations are crass politicking at its lowest, consider the political tactics of the nineteenth century, before the advent of multi-media sources.

Candidates were limited to newspapers and personal appearances to get their bull… uh, message out.

Consequently, a sort of gallows politics developed as campaigners on the stump arranged their speeches around scheduled public hangings, where they were assured a solid turnout.  Usually, hangings took place early, often at sunrise.  (That’s easy to figure, who wants to be alive at that time of the day anyway?) When the necktie party was over, crowds didn’t want to wait around to hear some boring dweeb drone out a batch of lies, so sheriffs would delay the grisly event until the orators finished delivering their nauseating litanies, further torturing the intended hung.

Sometimes, this led to confusion since all the involved parties were standing on the same platform; audiences began to wonder who should actually hang.  It became common practice to have the condemned stand with the noose around his neck while the orators unloaded their litanies of crap.  One unfortunate appealed to the courts against this procedure, claiming cruel and unusual punishment.  A federal magistrate ruled on the issue with this judicial gem: “It is the sovereign right of every American citizen to get hisself (sic) hung before, rather than after a political speech.” (This is true stuff!)

It then became common practice to allow the condemned the right to set his own time on the program, spawning some wonderful, morbid humor.  One victim, after listening to the politician’s speech, thanked him for making it easier to die.  Another interrupted a speaker with, “Don’t you think the people have had enough?”

If Michigan’s proponents of the death penalty succeed in reinstating capital punishment, perhaps we’ll see a rebirth of public hangings.  Maybe they’ll line up a string of doomed miscreants and let politicians speak at their executions.  Perhaps they’ll even do it on live television, allowing the condemned to choose between hanging before, during or after the speeches as they did in the 1800’s.

It might even be used as an indicator of how good a speaker each candidate is.  The powerful orators would have all the condemned still around at the end of their talks.  The boring, poor speakers would have them dropping (literally) all around them.  I’ve heard quite a few speeches that would’ve had people hanging on every word.  But no politician’s speech can be all bad – if it’s short enough.

I once heard a preacher tell a story about a politician who was struck by lightning as he was telling a lie.  He called it a miraculous incident.  When I repeated this anecdote at my favorite watering hole, a broken-nosed man with a thick beard grunted and remarked, “It would have been more of a miracle if lightning struck a politician when he wasn’t lying.”

by David Aho

I am a retired corrections officer who has written extensively over the years for local papers and magazines. A father of three and grandfather of two, I devote my energies and inabilities to family, writing, golf, exercise and playing percussion. (This causes me to stay up late at night and drink beer, darn it.) My wife, Diane, and I live in Marquette with our German Shepherd, Gunther, who diligently pursues any manner of play that causes me to leave my La-Z-Boy. I am an alumnus of MTU and NMU and a Navy veteran of the Viet Nam era. I’ve been a small business owner, salesman, carpenter, auto body repairman, steeplejack, export company manager, cartoonist, corrections officer and I’ve written a crime-fiction novel called “Good Looking Out” which is based in Michigan and available through www.lulu.com under the pseudonym David Michaels.

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